ag fuck it.

i really dont fucking care anymore. Im lying in the bath with a smoke and a beer and about an hour ago i wolfed down two garage pies, and then bit poor c's head off cos he called me while i was walking n im not supposed to be.

Isnt it wonderful how nice a cold beer goes down? I punched the wall when i got home... Now iv got this huge gash on my knuckle, how am i gna explain this one?

Ag who cares anyway?

catch up

ok so monday i flipped, freaked and walked out, slept most of monday, tuesday got informed that i have another job, just waiting for that to go thru, slept most of tuesday, ate sushi tuesday night, woke up 4:30 wednesday morning to eventualy make my learners license bookings, yes im 22 and dont have a license, anyway, writing those in may, got home at about 8am, slept until 2pm, had a bun, made supper 4 c, had explosive gyppo guts rest of the day, been sleeping all day today save for runs to the loo. Weighed 78.7 sunday morning (fatass i know) down to 75.6 this morning. Going camping this weekend. Had huge fight last nyt with c becos i had the evening planned and he spent it fiddling with the tent. (TYPICAL MALE) but we made up and this morning he woke me up the best way... Yum. My foot is still royally fucked, but at least the cuts and bruises have healed and so have my ribs but i still have to wear the foot brace. From my last post on my previous blog until now iv not spent a day sober, either drinking or smoking or both. And for anyone who hasnt quite figured it out yet iv been rather busy having a nervous breakdown... And no way in fucking hell am i going back to the institute, so im tempted to run away... Except this time to disappear properly. Name change, looks, everything. Iv done it before but this time i have c... And he realy wants me to stay. Plus i do love him, no one else has ever gotten me like this. So i guess im staying. So far iv eaten nothing except pickled onions and gherkins today.

Oh and im horny as all hell and having weird ass dreams. But anyway.

Take care

first time, last time

last time i felt like this was in 2007 when i actually had a nervous breakdown.

This is the first time i could put staples through my hand and feel nothing.

Except sorrow and guilt for trying to hurt myself again.

But im still here, and i dont want to be. I want to escape, run away, walk out and never look back. I dont knw why im holding on anymore. I dont even know how.

Insanity should be the decree at birth for it is the only complete truth..

losing my mind

this place is driving me crazy, im literaly having panic attacks every day, i need to get out, i need to run, i dont want to try anymore. I dnt even knw whats keeping me here day to day. I sit outside with my smoke and stare at the gate, wishing i could get up, walk out and just keep walking, i cant sleep without my j and vin coco. I wish i could walk out.

cry until u laugh

well, lets hope this is more private.

Can say iv experienced a bit of hell the past while. Luckily i have my coping mechanisms *koff koff*draw*paint*sketch*write*

so thanks for the concern n interest. I have to admit i got a few nice comments.
Didnt drive under a truck, however did drive over my foot. Eina ouch pain. Bt other than bones sticking out wrong n cuts to the back of my leg im all good.
As for the weight issue, well thats turned into a waiting game, been between 77 and 75. I just dnt have the inspiration to try so iv bn lax.
Anyway. Cheers